Revised Expectations

Mom’s been living in a Memory Care facility for over five years, and after much squawking, we have lowered our expectations for her care when we are not around. Complaining to the administrators, and constantly reminding caregivers has produced little change. Luckily, most of the people who work there seem to genuinely care about the residents and treat them kindly.  Currently, her facility has a skeleton staff, and many revolving, nameless, temporary workers, but they try to fit in an activity or two each day to engage the residents. Mom seems relatively content, and clean, and fed. So, we feel that Mom’s situation is okay for now.

 At first, when I would visit Mom, I would be frustrated that she never had her hearing aids in, but now I expect her to be without them.  I find them, check the batteries, and help her put them in.  She’s never been a fan of hearing aids, so I don’t think she misses wearing them, and when asked, she says she hears fine without them. But, she is pleased that her hearing improves when I put them in.

 And now we are used to her clothing being soiled, mismatched, or missing.  To mitigate this problem we have put iron on labels in most of her clothes, and pared down her wardrobe. Also, I take a weekly load home to wash. She doesn’t seem to care anymore if she has a stain or wears an oddly combined outfit. She cares about being warm and comfortable, and well groomed.  Everyday she still pencils her eyebrows, bobby pins her hair back, wears her “Love That Pink” lipstick, and a necklace. A visit to the beauty parlor makes her smile all day.  She looks stoically beautiful.

Mom used to protest about her living arrangements, but now she seems to have accepted her life as it is.  At 91, she’s calm, instead of anxious.  She doesn’t complain much, and is pleasant to everyone (despite an occasional catty remark- chuckle, chuckle). She still can recognize many people in her photos, but wistfully acknowledges her memory is bad. I don’t know if this attitude change is neurological or emotional, but I am grateful that she seems at peace with her circumstances.   She loves when someone visits, and she celebrates when we take her places.  She is especially delighted if the occasion involves wine.  And she is always most happy to see her family. We help fill in the blanks of her memory and reassure her that she is not alone. When she is with her children or grandchildren, she puffs up with pride and love.  With us, she feels secure of her place in the world.